That's right, at 7:00 AM EST today, space aliens have landed on Earth and taken Barrack Obama and other world leaders hostage. They have demanded 7 billion dollars and a monkey in exchange for the return of the hostages, and caused millions of dollars in property damage and hundreds of deaths during the landing of their 2-million ton vessel on top of several skyscrapers in New York City.
"This is so horrible," said Michael Roberts, a witness of the landing, "I was trying to sleep when these stupid aliens and news reporters showed up, and now I've been doing interviews for the past 7 hours! What the fuck?"
Others echoed his sentiments, stating that news reporters should not be interviewing them because it's annoying and deprives them of sleep.
In responce to these events, Congress has declared an emergency meeting. A bill that would make all news organizations illegal is hastily being passed, and it is hoped that it will pass later today. Congressmen hypothesise that if news was illegal, then it would be pointless to interview people for such a purpose and no one would do so.
"Finally, we can get some peace," said NYC resident Fred Thompson.
In other news, the aliens have sent a representative to answer any questions that Earthlings may have. "We will execute the prisoners if our demands are not met within 2 hours," said space alien Zhahh, "We also apologise for breaking your stuff, we should have really done a better job with the landing. Oh well, we don't really care."
Scientists are excited at the prospect of studying alien life. They are currently lobbying Congress to negotiate with the aliens and raise the demand to two monkeys in exchange for alien tissue samples. A rouge scientist has already been shot trying to capture an alien, showing us just how desperate scientists are to study these creatures. He is in critical but stable condition after dying, but hospital staff think recovery is unlikely.
"Goddamnit man, we have to sample all this shit," said Nobel-Prize-winning scientist Jones Nobel, "This could be our only chance to learn about extraterrestrial life! I say we bomb the UFO, kill all of the aliens, and then we won't need to negotiate and we'll have as many samples as possible."
PETA has commented that it would be inhumane to give a monkey to the aliens, and that a human should be sent instead, if the aliens were willing.
Others are more skeptical. Skeptic Charles Frough says, "I am a skeptic." He later clarified by saying, "I believe that it is possible that the current news about aliens is not true, hence I am a skeptic."
Skeptic Robert Thag is also skeptical, "What if I don't really exist? If that were true, then the aliens wouldn't either because the only way I know that the aliens exist is by seeing them. If I don't actually exist, then the aliens I see must also not exist, unless they do so coincidentally. Until this possibility is ruled out, I will not believe in the aliens."
This is clearly a time of mass confusion. The only thing that remains certain now is that nothing except this remains certain.
